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  • Writer's pictureDaisy Valentine

Relationships and Attachment Habit or Heartbreak?

Updated: Apr 5, 2021

The relationships we form, the partnerships and people we connect with throughout our lives- are they in reality what we truly perceive them to be or are we misguided and consumed by our own emotions offering us a distorted fabrication of reality?

An example most of us can relate to is the rollercoaster of feelings we experience whilst negotiating our way through a break up. It often becomes an all consuming and exhausting process, de-railing us emotionally. Our usual day to day responsibilities become increasingly more tasking, rendering us a prisoner of our own irrational state of thinking.

Regardless of whether our relationship

served us positively in the past or the present, we lose all sense of logical reasoning and the capacity to think in a self serving format. We bounce back and forth almost in a state of grief and mourning, unable to let go and move forward.

I ask you this-

When we analyse this relationship in a safe and uncommitted environment through thoughts that cannot lead to active consequence we can reflect honestly. Distance creates space and perspective allowing us to admit to ourselves the knowing feeling in our gut, this repetitive toxic cycle is ill serving, unproductive and unhealthy. On paper we know this, we know what advice we would offer others in the same situation so why do we fall victim to ourselves surrendering to the endless feeling of loss, blundering through time with no clarity or emotional stability?

Is this not habit?

We have established that from a more logical viewpoint this situation cannot continue and does not serve us, so why are we still hesitant and unable to let go? This is because what is known to us is comfortable, it is what we have become accustomed to, our relationships are also part of our day to day comfortable routine. Comfortability is created and manifested through repetitive behaviours, feeding, reinforcing our sense of security and home.

It is what we know- as humans we thrive on knowing, knowing is short hand for safe and secure in the environment we create for ourselves, change is an unnatural and uncomfortable notion that poses potential risk.

Thus, the inability and notion of letting go however unhealthy the environment and relationship is not as natural and straight forward as it may seem.

This primitive, rigid mentality is ingrained and present in all other areas of our lives, controlling our -

decisions, actions and reactions - relationships, task setting and productivity, personal daily routines and environmental surroundings.

We are all creatures of habit to a degree and change is unsettling on some level for all. If we accept the idea that habit and attachment could be present and play a role in the subject of a break up, do we now consider this as a factor and treat the situation as so? Considering the irrational emotion could be exactly that,- an unhealthy attachment formed through familiarity and the inability to let go of what we have become accustomed to through routine behaviour…


First we must establish balance between what is genuine, valuable emotion VS irrational attachment. Based on the dissection of that notion the answer becomes clearer once we have identified what is a justified level of emotion based on analysis, next is the practice of putting this newly learnt information into real time practice. This begins the process of letting go, letting go of what no long serves us and is the cause of our momentary despair. Recognising and taking responsibility for both our mental and emotional well-being we must practice becoming more consciously aware, identifying the difference between what is emotional irrationality and the realisation of habit.

Detaching ourselves from this cycle is not a natural nor welcome process, we shy away from taking responsibility on an emotional level. Personal and emotional challenges require analysis and self development, this creates the feeling of self doubt, insecurity and is indeed uncomfortable. We then begin to back-pedal in avoidance, questioning our motifs, actions and decisions, continually going round the “what if” merry go round. This is not rational or productive and we know it!

This is merely stalling the inevitable by the unwillingness to step into the unknown, into the void of discomfort, thus we travel back and forth between a state of momentary stillness and the stress of indecision. Accepting and settling into this current negative mindset although insecure and self punishing is also the easy and more familiar emotional setting, it requires no effort in the form of self development or confronting ourselves with our reflection on an honest and sincere level, remaining stationary is an unrecognised choice.

Choose life-

That’s right this is a choice- Do you choose to form a decision based on self and current circumstance, for emotional well being and the greater good or do you choose to live in a state of non-realisation and self punishment for the lack of wanting to see what you already know, seeing yourself with empathy and honesty, trusting your gut intuition. Trust what you know and step out of comfortable, choose to grow and become the better version of you.


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